


I would take every chance that I could have to be with you

by Locallymoon



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Haechan is their mutual friend, M/M, Post-Break Up, Taeil has gone trough a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:15:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26878807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Locallymoon/pseuds/Locallymoon
Summary: It’s pathetic that he is the one who drives Youngho away, but he is also the sole reason that they can’t be together. There’s no one to blame but him and it’s better that way. Because Youngho doesn't deserve someone who is broken like him.
Relationships: Moon Taeil/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 4
Kudos: 44





	I would take every chance that I could have to be with you

**Author's Note:**

> I just listening to Jeff Bernat - Changes and this is suddenly happen
> 
> If you want, this is also a perfect song to hear while reading for this fic, you can listen it [here!!](https://open.spotify.com/track/6YKb5UMzDOtfCfbPvJZ8XT?si=N52rBAAGTsqKgziABTJr3g)
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy reading this, as english is not my first language, so sorry if there's any mistake :")

In his life Taeil never has to depend on someone. In fact, he hates it so bad that the thought that he has to depend on someone for something makes him want to throw up. Nothing good will come if he puts trust on somebody, he believes in order to not get hurt, the only thing you should trust is yourself, everybody was, and always gonna be a passing moment.

  
  


_ Because everyone will end up leaving him. _

  
  


He is perfectly fine to be in charge of his life by his own, no expectations are destroyed because he doesn’t put one, and no one will leave him if from the start they don’t ‘stay’ with him.

Faking laugh, making reasons, and keeping things by himself is what Taeil does everyday. College is an easy pie to go since everyone is more self-centered here. 

That was until Youngho.

  
  


Beautiful, kind Youngho who gives nothing but love and affection to him.

Youngho who stayed there even when he is already broken to the core.

The only man he is willing to put his trust on.

  
  


Sadly, this time the one who is playing with the trust is him. 

  
  


It’s better like this anyway, the one who needs to be hurt is him, Youngho doesn’t deserve to feel this miserable feeling that Taeil has been getting for years. He deserves better than that.

So he let him go.

Taeil played his own heart, and thinking everything would be okay, since he used to feel miserable and bad anyway, this one would just pass.

And that’s where he was wrong.

He still keeps their photo, the one Haechan took when they were out to have dinner on his birthday. The only remnants of them both. Everything that makes him think about Johnny, the plants they grew together, his toothbrush, his plushies, he already gave it all away except this photos. It’s a little burnt on the side because he once tried to burn it, until he snapped and tried to stop the fire from burning it. So he put the photos back on the frame and put it on top of his drawer.

Since they split, Taeil has tried to do many projects, going out with friends, asking for more work hours, but to no avail. 

Three months after the breakup, every time he dressed he looked at the picture on top of the drawer and remembered him. 

He remembers the time when he just dressed up and got ready for the class, and Johnny looks at him from the bed, smiling in adoration at him.

.

_ “Is there something on my face? Is my clothes bad?” Taeil said, after he caught Johnny looking at him through the mirrors. _

  
  


_ “No...I just like to enjoy while I can” Johnny said looking straight at Taeil eyes “I love you” _

_ “You’re weird” Taeil giggling while putting on Johnny’s Khaki cardigan, it’s his new favorite piece now, “....love you too” _

.

Sometimes Taeil would cry without realizing it, and the tears came rolling down only on his left eyes. Then he would stay there in front of mirror for hours, looking at how stupid he is for chasing away his happiness.

_ It’s for his good _ . He keeps saying that to himself.

It’s pathetic that he is the one who drives Youngho away, but he is also the sole reason that they can’t be together. There’s no one to blame but him and it’s better that way. Because Youngho doesn't deserve someone who is broken like him.

He opens his drawer to look for his clothes. His drawers are mostly empty right now, because more than half of them are usually occupied by Youngho’s, since they mostly share clothes anyway.

Taeil never touches the drawer that Youngho uses anymore, out of everything, the drawer is the most painful memory of his that he tried to erase and forget.

.

_ “Hyung how about this drawer?” Haechan said while waiting for Taeil to dress up, they’re going to drink at this new bar just on the outskirts of the town. _

_ “...hmm,I don’t know I’ve been thinking of selling it online, but...I don’t know” At this point Taeil has sold everything that both he and Johnny bought together, the table lamp, the coffee table, the bean bags, everything. “We buy this when we were just roommates the very first time we got this apartment” Taeil said caressing the drawer “It gots more memories than anything here to be honest” _

_ “...I think you should keep it hyung” Taeil looked at Haechan and found the other staring at his eyes, they were just there, staring at each other eyes before Haechan break it and stand up “Ookeeyyyy, should we go now?” _

.

It’s the first thing they shared together. Even before they become a couple, they share this thing. And Taeil knows how much it will hurt him if he sees the drawer and looks at how empty the rest of the drawer is.

  
  


But, somehow today there’s this gut feeling that he feels the need to open the drawer.

The one he hasn’t touched for months, the one who always reminded him of his one-time-happiness every time he goes to bed. 

Things that remind him that he can be happy, for once.

So he opens the 3rd drawer, looking at the place where Johnny used to put all his formal clothes, work, class, it’s empty. Then he continued to the 4th drawer.

The 4th drawer is what hits him the most, is the place where he used to “borrow” Youngho clothes. He draws a sharp breath, looking at how it is still...full of clothes.

It’s full of clothes that Taeil gives back to him the day they break up, it’s Youngho clothes that he used to wear every other day when they’re together.

The cream sweater, grey hoodie, black shirt, even Youngho’s favorite khaki cardigan that makes them fight a little because both of them want to use it? it’s all there.

“...why? What?” The confusion is clear in Taeil’s face, he don’t understand why Youngho doesn’t take it back, some of this clothes are in Taeil drawer before, and he make sure to clean it, and giving it to Youngho so he can take it with him, since he know some of this clothes are his favorite.

He took the khaki cardigan and when he put it on his lap, he could see some yellow paper from the inside of it, so he took it and it was an envelope.

It reads ‘For My Love, Moon Taeil’ and it's handwritten on the yellow envelope- Taeil’s favorite colour- he goes to the bed, puts the cardigan beside him, and opens the envelope.

Then he reads it.

The last thing Youngho left in their shared memories before leaving.

_ ‘My Love, My Bear, My Soulmate Moon Taeil _

  
  


_ If you ever read this, you probably wondered why I leave behind so many of my _ _ clothes, and if you ask me I probably don’t know the answer to it too.  _

_ But, when I am reminded of how it comforts you, especially when I’m away. I can’t bear to take it. I still remember the time when you take my Khaki cardigan and use it everywhere, and the thought that you can’t use it anymore hurts me, because for me it reminds me of your smile and laugh. It's just a piece of clothes, but it holds too many memories for me to handle. I really hope that the clothes that I left will bring the same happiness and joy as when you used it while we were together. _

_ I know it will be hard for me, to leave you, to leave my happiness, my whole life, but if that’s what you want, then who I am to refuse. If you’re happy, then I’ll be happy, it’s hard, but I’ll try. _

_ As long as you’re happy-’ _

Taeil grip the paper so hard, he also notices some smudges on the words, does Johnny cry while he writes this? no, he can’t. He shouldn’t. He doesn’t want Johnny to be sad.

“No, no, he shouldn’t--why--” Taeil breath hitches on every word that he read. How come he deserves someone like Youngho, after Taeil attempts for Johnny to leave him, to hate him, to despise him to the point he won't even want to see Taeil face again, how could he even leave this letter.

This letter shows nothing about hate, it’s all about Youngho’s love for him. It’s not supposed to be like that.

The more he reads the letter, the more he cries, he even sobbing now, his breath hitched, his nose is stuffy, and he can’t barely make out the word until he reach to the end of the letter.

  
  
  
  


_ ‘.....and if our fate may let us meet once again. _

_ I would take every chance that I could have to be with you.’ _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Kudo and Comment are really appreciated :))


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